Autolycus: The Series: "The Sweets of Pillage"
by OmarSnake
Summary: Autolycus and his new partner meet the Queen of Thieves (Salma Hayek)...


TEASER  
  
Autolycus and Muran stand on the scaffolding of a temple that is under construction and nearly finished. Across from them is a massive, almost cathedral-like palace.  
  
"Now, the queen is a devout woman, so she has had the temple built right next to her castle," Autolycus says, squinting as he looks in the direction of the palace. "That way, she can pray to Hera anytime she wants."  
  
He takes a grappling hook and a length of rope out of a sack. He starts measuring out the rope by arm-lengths. "But she doesn't want to offend Hera, so she decreed that the temple would be higher than the castle," he continues. " that would make it...?"  
  
"Umm... really tall?" Muran guesses.  
  
"Exactly," Autolycus replies. He looks down at the rope and measures out one last arm-length and cuts it with a jewel-encrusted dagger. Then, he starts tying one end of the rope around a pillar on the unfinished temple. "And she keeps her most prized jewel in the tallest spire of the castle." He fastens the grappling hook to the other end of the rope and flings it downwards to the castle, where the hook wraps around ornamental stonework just above a window.  
  
"Ready?" he asks, testing the rope for its tautness.  
  
"Ready," Muran replies.  
  
Autolycus lets out a cry of "Aaaayodelaheehoooo!!!" as they slide down the tight rope and land on the windowsill.  
  
Autolycus uses his lockpicking tool he has taken out of his boot to open the window, and they look in.  
  
In the center of the room is a glistening, amber-colored gemstone on a pedestal. It is pear-shaped, and about as big . But the pedestal is elevated about ten feet above a floor covered with sharp, two-foot-long spikes, and the only clear way to it is a three-inch wide "bridge" between the pedastal and a huge wooden door.  
  
"Now, watch and learn, kid," Autolycus says as he squats down. Muran stands by and watches, grinning as he leaps up and grabs hold of the scaffolding, shimmying along until he is over the platform. He then drops, landing on the platform, and has to regain his balance, almost falling toward the spikes.  
  
Muran gasps, but as soon as he has his bearings back, he looks up at her and winks. "Nothing to it."  
  
He lifts the jewel off the pillow it rests on and admires its beauty. Suddenly, there is a blur of purple. A figure swings past him on a rope, grabbing the jewel out of his hand. Autolycus reels back, and almost falls off the tiny platform. He looks up to see the purple-clad figure land on a windowsill next to the one Muran is standing on. The figure looks back at Autolycus and pulls back the hood of its robe. It is a beautiful, bronze- skinned woman with long, dark brown hair. "Thanks!" she says playfully, holding up the jewel, and then she dives out the window.  
  
Muran stares dumbstruck and then turns back to Autolycus. "Who was THAT?"  
  
The massive wooden doors fling open and a quartet of nasty-looking guards stand there, swords drawn. Autolycus looks at them and frowns. "Trouble," he mutters.  
  
FADE OUT... OPENING CREDITS BEGIN. Scenes from various episodes run throughout the credits.  
  
VOICEOVER: "It is a time of myths and monsters. In all the land, the most daring thief was Autolycus. But he was no ordinary thief, and would help those in need, sometimes in spite of himself. A friend to the oppressed... a foe to the oppressors... a charming rogue... He is Autolycus, the King of Thieves!"  
  
FADE OUT  
  
VOICEOVER: "The Action Pack Presentation of Autolycus: The King of Thieves is brought to you by Mazda!"  
  
  
  
ACT ONE  
  
FADE IN  
  
TITLE CARD: "THE SWEETS OF PILLAGE"  
  
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: SALMA HAYEK as SHANTARRA  
  
Autolycus and Muran kneel before a haughty, unhappy-looking queen. She is elegantly robed, pushing 60, and has a facial expression that would frighten small children... or most grown-ups, for that matter. Guards stand behind Autolycus and Muran, swords drawn.  
  
"Now, let us go over this again," the queen says imperiously, pointing to Autolycus. "You are a traveling law enforcer, and you have come here seeking a thief?"  
  
"Exactly, your majesty," Autolycus says. "When she was seen heading toward your kingdom, we feared she was after your fabled treasures...."  
  
"And so you broke in to try to stop her," the queen says, as she eyes Autolycus suspiciously. "Why didn't you tell me first?"  
  
"Well," Autolycus starts, then pauses, searching for a plausible explanation.  
  
"There's a rumor that someone in your court was working with the thief!" Muran throws in.  
  
"Exactly," Autolycus says, picking up the thought, "so we thought that it was best to be ... cautious."  
  
The queen pauses for a moment, contemplating. Her captain of the guard, a blandly handsome man with blond hair and a thinly-cut beard, steps forward. "I don't trust them, ma'am," he offers.  
  
"I didn't ask your opinion, did I, Ures?" the queen says coldly. She turns to Autolycus. "Very well, then. But you weren't able to stop the thief, and she stole the Tear of Mothers." the queen sneers. "That gem is to be the centerpiece of my temple to Hera! It must be returned!"  
  
"And it will be, your majesty," Autolycus says, smirking briefly at Ures. "You have the word of Mutolycus the Justicer."  
  
"And his squire Auran," Muran throws in.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Autolycus and Muran walking through the village market.  
  
"I never thought we'd talk our way out of that!" Autolycus says happily. "Zeus, I thought that woman would freeze us with her stare."  
  
"So what do we do now?" Muran asks.  
  
"Do? We get the Underworld out of this kingdom, that's what."  
  
"Oh. Then you don't care about that other thief beating you?"  
  
"She didn't BEAT me," Autolycus says defensively. "She just... (he shrugs)... caught me off-guard, that's all."  
  
"Mm-hmm. And you don't care about the reward the queen offered for her?"  
  
"Not much compared with the value of the jewel. Besides, we can steal something much more valuable in Addrium, half a day's journey from here. Anyhow, I'm no bounty hunter."  
  
"Still, I thought pride would--"  
  
Autolycus stops in his tracks, and Muran cuts off her comment.  
  
"Alright, Alright!" Autolycus says, exasperated. "We'll find that woman in purple! Besides... I WOULD like to find out who she is, to think she can steal from the King of Thieves."  
  
CUT TO:  
  
"The Queen of Thieves, huh?" a burly, bald-headed man says. His voice is thick and slurred, as if his tongue was too big and he had to talk around it. He is standing in the doorway of a ratty-looking tavern. A skinny, seedy-looking man stands behind him.  
  
"That's what I said," says the purple-clad woman standing in front of the doorway. She has a satchel over her shoulder, holding it by one hand.  
  
"Never heard of ya," the burly man says, starting to shut the door. The woman stops the door with the palm of her free hand.  
  
"Look," she says, smiling in an almost-menacing way, "I know this tavern is a front for the local thieves' guild, and YOU know this tavern is a front for the local thieves' guild. I'm a thief, and I need shelter for the night. I'll pay the visitor's dues, I'll leave first thing in the morning, and we'll both be happy."  
  
The burly man looks past her, scanning the street. "Keep yer voice down! C'min here and we'll talk." He lets her in and shuts the door, glancing once more up and down the street.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The queen sits on her throne; Ures is beside her, holding a pickaxe. A stocky, fearsome-looking man stands before them.  
  
He is clad in black and grey leather armor, one sleeve of which is lined with red slashes. He has short-cut grey hair and a patch over his left eye. In his hand he holds a parchment with a reasonably-accurate drawing of Autolycus's face. Several thuggish soldiers of his stay in the back of the chamber.  
  
"So..." the queen says slowly, methodically, "This man... isn't a justicer named Mutolycus?"  
  
"No," the man says, his voice as gravelly as a granite pit. "He's Autolycus, the self-proclaimed King of Thieves. King Sisyphus wants his head, and he's paid me well to deliver it."  
  
"I said he couldn't be trusted," Ures says just before getting a withering stare from the queen.  
  
"That repulsive little... liar... must be in league with the woman who stole the Tear of Mothers," the queen says angrily. "If there is any such woman."  
  
"Just tell me where they went," the grey-haired man says, cracking as much of a smile as his craggy face will manage.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Autolycus and Muran walking along.  
  
"I thought you didn't believe in thieves' guilds," Muran says quizzically.  
  
"I don't believe in JOINING them," Autolycus corrects her. "But they come in handy on occasion. they may be able to tell us if that woman is a local thief, or just someone passing through. Ah, here we are..." they pause in front of the ratty-looking tavern. "Now, watch out for Kellton. He'd steal a bowl of milk from a litter of starving kittens. And Tor is pretty nasty too--"  
  
The door smashes open in front of them, and the burly bald man lands on the ground with a heavy thud.  
  
"Tor!" Autolycus says, astounded. "Who could possibly knock you d-"  
  
The window beside him smashes as the skinny man goes halfway through it. He hangs there, moaning. "Hello, Kellton," Autolycus says nonchalantly.  
  
Autolycus steps over Tor's hulking unconcscious frame and peers through the doorway. "You gotta be kidding."  
  
The purple-clad woman stands at the bar, calmly drinking from a winesack.  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
  
  
ACT TWO  
  
FADE IN  
  
The woman looks up. "You aren't grabby too, are you?"  
  
"No, no," Autolycus says, striding up to her. He is still a bit cautious, but is starting to pour on the charm. "I'm Autolycus..."  
  
"The King of Thieves. I've heard of you," she says.  
  
"Well, word does get arou--"  
  
"I've heard you were a big softie who works with nice guys like Hercules and Xena. A disgrace to real thieves everywhere. I've even heard you've started giving to the poor."  
  
Autolycus is taken aback. "Hey, what I do with my treasure is my business!" he says defensively. "Not that I've done THAT... much. Who are you, anyhow?"  
  
"Shantarra," she says, finishing the winesack. "The Queen of Thieves."  
  
Autolycus scoffs, and the woman eyes him, her green eyes flashing dangerously.  
  
"Queen of thieves?" he says. "There's no such title, not until I get married... which won't be anytime soon." He leans in toward her. "Though I wouldn't object to a little--" and with that, Autolycus is flipped through the air. He lands flat on the floor and looks up to see Shantarra with her foot on his throat.  
  
"Don't mock me," she says coldly.  
  
"I'd move away from him, If I were you,"says a voice from the doorway. It is Muran, who has a miniature crossbow aimed. Shantarra steps back, and Autolycus sits up coughing.  
  
"And who are you?" Shantarra says, intrigued.  
  
"Muran... Autolycus is training me to be a master thief."  
  
"Thanks, kid," Autolycus says, finally catching his breath.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The grey-haired man and his group of thugs move brusquely through the streets. Ures walks at a fast clip to keep up with them.  
  
"One thing Autolycus isn't is subtle," the grey-haired man pronounces to no one in particular. "He's flashy, conceited, wildly ambitious...."  
  
"And he's endangering a child now, getting her mixed up in his crazy schemes," Ures says.  
  
The man spins around, and his thugs grind to a halt. "You know how old I was when I killed my first man?"  
  
"Ummm.. no..." Ures says.  
  
"About half the age of the girl you described. Don't underestimate her. If Autolycus has trained her, she's going to be one tough little snake to catch."  
  
He spins back around and, ignoring Ures, rubs his chin. "Now, Autolycus is a loner, so he wouldn't join up with the local thieves in the area... and there's not much else to steal in this dump of a village..."  
  
Ures starts to object, and then thinks better of it. The man turns around. "How far is Addrium from here?"  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Autolycus and Shantarra sit across from each other at a chess-like board. Autolycus sips from a cup of mead and examines the game board. He has three grey pieces left, while Shantarra has seven white pieces. He starts to move one, and she smirks. He eyes her, puts it back in place, and moves another piece instead.  
  
"Clever," she says.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Then she moves a piece diagonally, taking out two of his pieces in one swift move.  
  
"I was talking to myself," she grins.  
  
Muran emerges from the kitchen area, carrying a platter of food. In the kitchen, we can see Tor and Kellton tied up and leaning against a wall, looking none too happy.  
  
"Ah, good," Autolycus says. "I was getting bored with this game, anyhow." He takes a piece of fruit and chews on it.  
  
Shantarra takes a bunch of grapes and pops one in her mouth. Meanwhile, Muran takes a piece of bread and dunks it into a bowl of gravy, then tears into it like she hasn't eaten in a month.  
  
"So," Autolycus says, "If you're such a great thief, why haven't I ever heard of you?"  
  
"Maybe I didn't want people to hear of me," Shantarra says. "Maybe flamboyance isn't the best way to carry out a career in the acquisitional arts."  
  
Autolycus winces. "Aw, what fun is there if no one knows you're doing it? The people love me. They sing songs, they write poems..."  
  
"They hunt you down," Shantarra adds. "Rumor has it, King Sisyphus has sent the bounty hunter Kreulles after you."  
  
Autolycus almost chokes on a slice of pear. "What???" Then he regains his composure. "Where did you hear such a crazy rumor?"  
  
"Word gets around," she says with a shrug.  
  
"That king has no sense of humor. Anyhow, I've dodged Kreulles in the past, I can do it again."  
  
"Well, lucky you." Shantarra turns her attention to Muran, who is eating a roast turkey leg now. "Does she always eat that much?"  
  
"Except for breakfast. Then, she's really hungry."  
  
Shantarra stands and stretches. "Well, I'm going to get some rest. I have a long journey ahead of me tomorrow. You staying here tonight?"  
  
"Is that an invitation?" Autolycus says with a playful leer.  
  
"It was a question." she responds flatly.  
  
"No, afraid not. Muran and I have places to go."  
  
"Ah, well. Good night, then. Maybe we'll meet again someday." She leaves the room, carrying the satchel with her.  
  
After a moment, Muran (now on a bowl of porridge) asks "Where do we have to go?"  
  
"Addrium, remember? There's an old temple there with a statue that's said to be worth a small fortune."  
  
"You aren't going to stay long enough to steal that jewel back from Shantarra?"  
  
"I'm not the revenge type," Autolycus says.  
  
Back in the doorway, Shantarra listens intently, hiding in the shadows. "Addrium, huh?" she whispers.  
  
CUT TO: It is nighttime. Autolycus and Muran stroll down a road in the woods.  
  
"Lovely night, don't you think?" Autolycus asks.  
  
"Yeah, but it'd be lovelier to get some sleep."  
  
"Yes, but by daybreak Shantarra might have missed this." he says, reaching in his backpack and pulling out something wrapped in purple cloth. He gently opens the cloth to reveal the amber jewel. "Glistens nicely in the moonlight, don't you think?"  
  
"Cooooll!!" Muran says excitedly. "But I thought you weren't the revenge type."  
  
"This isn't revenge, it's justice."  
  
Farther back on the road, darting along in the shadows, Shantarra stops as she observes this. She reaches down into her satchel and pulls out a roast turkey leg. She stares at it in disbelief. "Sonnuva..." she says, forcing back a grin. Then she tosses it aside and resumes following them.  
  
CAMERA pans up to a tree limb above her. The grey-haired man sits perched, sword drawn, watching intently. He smirks.  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
  
  
ACT THREE  
  
FADE IN on the streets of Addrium, early morning. It is a small farming village, not as large as the village they were just in but not as ratty, either. Laborers move about briskly through the small,well-stocked market.  
  
"Ah, Addrium", Autolycus says, surveying it all. "Lovely little village. I may settle here when I've made my fortune."  
  
"Doesn't look like much," Muran offers, glancing around. "Why would there be a fantastic treasure here?"  
  
Autolycus strolls through the market, picking out some fruit and tossing a coin to the vendor. "This town is near the ruins of a temple," he says, throwing a piece of fruit high in the air and flipping another one at Muran, who barely catches it, having been distracted by the first piece. He leans in close to her. "Another lesson for ya, kid. Always keep an eye on both hands...  
  
"Anyhow, the temple was used to worship some primitive god... nothing sophisticated like Zeus and Hermes... and its followers commited mass suicide, or got sucked into a vortex, or something a few decades back. At any rate, the temple was abandoned and the locals consider it cursed, so no one goes down there."  
  
"But surely other thieves have tried?" Muran asks.  
  
"Yeah, but not many have lived to tell about it. Lots of booby traps. I tried it myself, once before. I was working with a lockpick named Terrail, may he rest in peace."  
  
Muran looks skeptical. "How can we succeed, then?"  
  
"Simple, kid. We get Shantarra to do the work for us."  
  
Muran is dumbstruck.  
  
"You didn't notice she was following us, did you? I have to teach you how to see things behind you more clearly." He stops. "Ah! The Slaughtered Lamb! Best tavern in this village! You up for some breakfast, kid?"  
  
Muran nods eagerly, and follows him into the tavern.  
  
They take a seat, and Autolycus calls out "Two plates of your best!" and leans back in his chair.  
  
A pretty young waitress (blonde curly hair, pleasingly cornfed, freckles) approaches with two tankards of cider, and puts them on the table. Autolycus glances up at her admiringly, and she blushes a bit. "You're new here, aren't you?" he says, grinning lasciviously. She smiles, revealing gap teeth and cute dimples.  
  
"You really seem to know this village well," Muran says, trying to get his attention back. "How long has it been since you were here?"  
  
From the other side of the table, a very pregnant waitress drops the plates of food on the table, scowls at Autolycus (who doesn't notice her, his attention still on the first waitress) and walks off muttering angrily.  
  
"About eight months," Autolycus replies to Muran as he tears off a piece of bread and pops it in his mouth.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The grey-haired man and Ures sit in a loft of a barn, looking across at the tavern.  
  
"This is undignified," Ures sniffs, brushing straw off his garment. "How long do we have to wait here, Kreulles?"  
  
"Until he makes his move," Kreulles snorts.  
  
"We could just go in there and arrest him!" Ures protests.  
  
Kreulles eyes him. "If you don't shut up, I'll cut your tongue out and feed it to that rat."  
  
Ures turns in a panic. "What rat? Where???"  
  
Kreulles rolls his one eye and turns his attention back to the tavern.  
  
CUT TO: A cavern opening. It is dusk. Autolycus and Muran poke their heads through the opening, looking around. "This is the way to the temple, all right," Autolycus says, waving at a few scattered skeletons about ten feet ahead of them.  
  
Muran looks nervous. "What happened to them?"  
  
"I'll show you in a minute," Autolycus answers. "Rumor has it this place has more deathtraps than any temple in five provinces' range. I know a few of 'em, but not many. But we have an advantage..."  
  
He bends down, shining a small torch on the ground. There are fresh footprints in the dirt. "Looks like Shantarra's already been here," he says with a smirk. "Ah, look..." He moves over to an area where someone has marked a line in the dirt with their fingers. Three feet over that line is a rope that leads up into darkness.  
  
Autolycus takes a rock and tosses it over the line. Instantly, darts fly out from the walls.  
  
Muran yelps, then regains her composure. "So if anyone stepped on that floor, they'd get hit by those darts..."  
  
"Which are poisonous," Autolycus adds while gathering a bunch of stones and putting them in a pouch. "Last time I came in here, I used my grappling hook to get over this part of the floor and move further down this passageway. Proved to be a dead end... almost literally. But..." he looks up at where the rope leads. "It looks like our friend found another path. Kid, you watch the entryway. I'll be back soon."  
  
He jumps on the rope and starts to climb up, carefully holding the torch in his teeth. Muran follows.  
  
"Mrr-mmph!" Autolycus mumbles around the torch when he sees her. The top of the rope leads into a narrow passageway. Autolycus reaches down and helps Muran up, then takes the torch out of his mouth. "I said for you to wait down there, kid!"  
  
"You might need help!" Muran protests.  
  
Autolycus sighs in exasperation and turns around. "Okay, then, follow me... and be careful." They move down the corridor, Autolycus' eyes darting around constantly. They come up on a sword blade sticking out of the wall at about waist level. "Looks like she triggered this one," Autolycus says. He starts to move around it, when Muran reaches out to him. "Wait!" she cries.  
  
Autolycus stops, his foot in midair, and struggles to keep it from falling to the ground. "What? What?"  
  
"The cobwebs up ahead aren't disturbed. How could Shantarra have gotten past them?"  
  
Autolycus moves back fully, then tosses a stone on the ground up ahead. Another sword blade flies out from the wall, and would have impaled him if he had taken one more step.  
  
"That tricky little..." he pauses, glancing at Muran, then finishes, "witch. She must have figured out I was waiting for her to trip all the traps in this place. But where did she go if it wasn't this way?" He flashes the torch around, then notices a stone with no dust on it. He pushes against it, and it gives way.  
  
"Oh, she's good," he says, crawling through a tiny passageway. Muran follows.  
  
MONTAGE: Autolycus and Muran swinging across a pit filled with jagged spikes; running through a chamber where the walls crush together and re- open every few seconds; dodging axeblades swinging from the walls in a corridor; carefully using rails on the roof of one corridor to shimmy over a pit that is too deep to see the bottom. All along the way, they are passing the skeletons of people who made it this far, but no further.  
  
CUT TO: Shantarra lowers herself on a rope. She is in a chamber with ornamental dragon heads lining the walls. In the center of the room is a green-tinted statue on a pedestal. Before she touches the floor, she taps at it with a four-foot long walking stick. Nothing happens, and she drops down. She carefully moves around the pedestal, looking carefully at the statuette. It appears to made out of jade, and it looks like a human form with a squid where its head should be.  
  
"Yick," she says. "Oh, well, it's ugly as sin but it's got to be worth something."  
  
"I certainly hope so," says a voice from above. She looks up to see Autolycus sliding down the rope she had left leading into the chamber.  
  
"Thanks for finding a shortcut," Autolycus says. "But how did you do it?"  
  
"That would be telling," she says slyly. "You're better than I thought, to have followed me."  
  
Autolycus reaches the floor. "I like a good mutual appreciation society as much as anyone, but this is too easy."  
  
She scoffs. "You're just jealous you didn't think to look for construction details of the temple," she says. "It wasn't easy, believe me. While you sat around in a tavern filling your belly, I was doing research on this place." She picks up the jade statuette.  
  
The walls hiss. Autolycus reaches out to grab the statue out of her hand. As they struggle with it, jets of flame start shooting out the mouths of the dragon heads on the wall..  
  
FADE OUT  
  
  
  
ACT FOUR  
  
FADE IN  
  
Autolycus yanks the statue out of Shantarra's hand and puts it back on the pedestal. The flames stop.  
  
"That was close," he says, letting out a breath of relief. "Are you nuts? Of course this room would be boobytrapped!"  
  
Shantarra looks upset. "My sources specifically told me it wasn't," she says.  
  
"Would your sources happen to include an old guy with one arm who claims to have made it into this chamber?"  
  
"Maybe," she says suspiciously.  
  
"I relied on him once, too," Autolycus says. "He's one of the last followers of creepy there (Autolycus points at the statue) and tells people the best way to get themselves killed. I think it's his way of carrying on human sacrifices in the temple, just like in the good old days."  
  
"Charming. But how do we get the statue out of here without getting barbecued?"  
  
"We??" Autolycus says incredulously.  
  
"We can work together... this time. I'll even let you keep the statue as long as I get some credit. It doesn't help either of our reputations if both of us fail."  
  
"Good point. Let's see...."  
  
CUT TO: Kreulles, Ures and the soldiers pile into the entranceway of the temple. "Look at all these footprints!" Ures says. "They must be in there!" He starts to walk in, but Kreulles stops him.  
  
"We wait here," Kreulles says. "IF they get out... and no one has yet, from this place... but if they do, we'll be waiting for them."  
  
"I've had about enough of your attitude, mercenary," Ures says. "I say we go in after them."  
  
"Suit yourself," Kreulles says, slapping Ures forward... past the line in the dirt.  
  
Darts fly out and riddle Ures, who doesn't have a chance to yell before he falls to the cavern floor.  
  
"Oops," Kreulles says with a smirk.  
  
CUT TO: Autolycus swings on the rope, back and forth in the chamber. "I think I've got the hang of this," he calls up. Above him, Shantarra and Muran look through a hole in the ceiling down into the room.  
  
"On three, then?" he asks. "One..." he arcs back to one wall. "Two," he swings forward, toward the pedestal, "Three!" he grabs the statue as he swings by. Flame jets come out of the walls, and Shantarra pulls mightily on the rope, with Muran assisting her, to lift him in time to avoid getting scorched.  
  
They keep pulling until Autolycus is safely with them.  
  
"I should have done that," Shantarra says. "Or the girl. Either of us weigh a lot less than you."  
  
"Don't be such a sourpuss," Autolycus says. "We've got the statue. The rest of this is a piece of cake."  
  
CUT TO: Autolycus shimmies down the rope. "Hey, there's a new body down here," he says before leaping across the line in the dirt to the safe area of the cavern opening. Shantarra and Muran follow.  
  
"Hey, isn't that the stupid captain of the guard from the queen's castle?" Muran asks.  
  
"Well, I'll be damned," Autolycus says. "I wonder how he got here."  
  
"Followed me like an unwanted mongrel," says a voice from the cave opening. It is Kreulles. He and his guards line the opening. "You two women, King Sisyphus wants nothing with you. Give Autolycus to me, and you can go free. By Hades, you can even keep that trinket you found."  
  
"We'll never turn him over to you!" Muran says angrily.  
  
"Well, never say never," Shantarra says, more calmly. "But I don't like being blackmailed, so you'll have to come and get us."  
  
Kreulles smiles. His soldiers race in toward the trio.  
  
Autolycus throws a roundhouse punch at the first soldier to reach him, and then swings an elbow into the chest of the next one. Shantarra arches back into a martial arts pose, deftly dodges a swordswing from a soldier and then strikes him in the face with the palm of her hand. He staggers back against the wall. Meanwhile, Muran leaps back onto the rope and uses it for leverage to kick another soldier. The final soldier, racing at Muran with his sword, crosses the line in the dirt and is riddled with darts.  
  
Kreulles stands back, admiring the melee. Autolycus and Shantarra each take a soldier by the arm and swing the two of them into one another. Muran swings out and lets go, hitting the soldier she had kicked before full- force and slamming him into the wall. He topples onto another unconscious soldier.  
  
"Nicely done," Kreulles says when the trio have finished off his mercenaries. "But they're sword fodder. I, on the other hand, know how to fight." He draws his sword.  
  
Autolycus leaps back onto the rope and swings to the back of the chamber, past where the skeletons are littered, and lets go. Kreulles smiles broadly, sheathes his sword, and follows. But as he swings one way, Autolycus flings out his grappling hook and swings the other, back to the front half of the chamber. As he goes past Kreulles, Autolycus swings his dagger to cut the rope.  
  
Kreulles lands hard on the far end of the chamber, out of range of the darts. He stands, cursing, and turns, drawing his sword again.  
  
"This time you die, thief!"  
  
"Not until you figure out a way across that ten feet of flooring that triggers the darts," Autolycus smirks. "Or is that fifteen feet? Any any rate, you don't look like the long jump type. See ya."  
  
Autolycus turns and calmly strolls out of the cavern, whistling and admiring the statuette. Shantarra and Muran follow. Behind them, Kreulles looks incredulously at the floor in front of him. "Not bad, thief," he calls. "But I'll get you yet!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Autolycus replies smugly as he and the two ladies head down the path away from the cavern opening.  
  
FADE OUT...  
  
FADE BACK IN.  
  
Autolycus stares incredulously at a merchant. "Whaddaya mean, eight dinars? This thing's worth a fortune!"  
  
The merchant looks down at the statue and frowns. "It's hidous. Repulsive. Awful. These are NOT good traits in the art trade."  
  
"But surely the jade itself is worth something!"  
  
"This isn't jade. It's just green glass of some sort. Ten dinars, take it or leave it."  
  
Autolycus sighs wearily. Off to one side, Muran is looking at a shelf of clothes. "That would pay for this coat," she says, holding up one to show Autolycus. "To replace the one of mine those creepy bat-things flew off with last week."  
  
"Okay, fine," Autolycus says. "We'll take the coat, then. Anyhow, I have a much more valuable treasure to show you." He reaches into his backpack. "Prepare to be dazzled," he says, taking out a purple cloth. He gently unfolds it, and the merchant stares down.  
  
"One dinar," the merchant says.  
  
"Whaaat?"  
  
"Well, normally I wouldn't be interested, but I haven't had lunch today."  
  
Autolycus looks down into his hands. Wrapped in the purple cloth is... a roast turkey leg.  
  
"For the love of...", Autolycus mutters.  
  
Muran looks over his shoulder and grins. "I told you not to let Shantarra hug you when she left."  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
END CREDITS ROLL.  
  
No snivelling captains of the guard were harmed during the making of this episode. 


End file.
